"Look Good, Feel Better"

We were about a dozen of women, gathered around a smiling and dynamic hairstylist, in a workshop called “Look good, feel better”, also the name of a charity supporting women dealing with cancer. She was there, volunteering her time to give us advices on how to use make up and deal with our problematic hair situation. There was a teenager (non-Hodgkin lymphoma) who came with her mother and sister, next to a 60 something lady wearing a red fedora, who had by her side a young woman who was going to start chemo after a lung surgery.

We all introduced ourselves, saying our first name and our type of cancer. Melissa, the volunteer, gave away some make up products that had been donated to the charity. Among the good tips she shared with us: she showed us how to draw eye brows that would look natural – in case ours were to vanish in the chemo storm. How to tie up the bottom half of a T-shirt and wrap it around your head as if it was a scarf – but easier to wash than a scarf. And where to find this good wig store, which offers cheap yet good quality wigs, in Lakewood,  in a shady neighborhood (“do not go there at night”).  Melissa found a pink long wig there, costing only $75, that she wore at a Lady Gaga concert. A great price for a wig.

I also learned a lot by listening to my peers.  “When your hair fall, said one of them, it is actually painful!” I was stunned. Wasn’t emotional pain enough? Several participants agreed. “It is an awful sensation”, said the woman sitting next to me (brain tumor) who still had thick gray hair. “You know, when you were a little girl and had a pony tail, and then another kid would pull it? It is that way, constantly. As if someone was pulling your hair.” The lady with the red fedora shook her hair, looking incredulous. Obviously, this had not been her experience.

Another participant was a stage 4 ovarian cancer.  I shuddered – stage 4 had hovered over my diagnosis last month. I was not the only one. We all knew that stage 4 is the more serious, last stage. But she swept our fear away. “I was diagnosed with stage 4 ten years ago. Statistics and numbers don’t mean a thing. Each person is different. I have been in remission for years. Now cancer is back – I don’t know why.” What she knew, though, is the reason why hair often grows back with a different texture and curly. “Chemo has this perm effect on the skull and the roots of the hair. But after it has regrown, eventually, the effect goes away and you have your hair back.”

On Youtube, I had listened to the advices of this woman – an actress I think. I followed her advice to have my hair cut extra short before they would actually fall, after the first chemo. She lost her hair on the very day they were supposed to go away, precisely two weeks after her chemo. She happened to be in a hotel when it happened and it was overwhelming, she said. She was so relieved she did not have to clean it up herself. Her advice was to follow her example and go to a hotel – although it would be pretty strange to check in a hotel close to home and wait there for your hair to fall. 

Mine have not actually been that punctual. Two weeks after the chemo, I was expecting to get up with a completely hair-free and shiny head. No- my short hair was still here. They are now going away, little by little. Where are they? I don’t see any on my shoulders, the scarfs, or my pillow. Are they disappearing into nothingness?

I visited the wig store with a girlfriend pastor. I bought two long wigs and a short one. None is pink so far, but I keep my options open for the future. Spring is coming up and it is now too warm for my hat with bear ears. I also play with scarfs.

Yesterday I was walking in a grocery store with Irvin. I felt an aggravating sensation above my neck. As if… someone was pulling on my hair. Oh boy… They were right! Spring or not, this is the time of the decisive fall…